Hiding from Myself

Perhaps when writing is the way that you examine your life, the avoidance of this practice is in reality an avoidance oneself. I have been struggling for a long time with the idea that it may be time for me to look for another job. It has been difficult for me to come to grips with this because my current position has been the devotion of an idealist. I feel great passion for the idea of leading an authentic life, one that is wholly congruent with my values. The opportunity to do this through my work was in my mind a dream come true. However, I have had to come to grips with the fact that the realities of the position has not lived up to my vision for it. I have been wrestling with an internal struggle for the courage to recognize my own gifts and seek out opportunities to utilize these gifts. Unfortunately, my career path has focused around competencies that I have developed in what are actually my natural weaknesses. I have continued to fall into the familiar even when the unfamiliar is what I naturally excel in doing. Ah, the tortures that we can conjure for ourselves.

So I have now embarked on the frightening journey of looking for a new job. I feel simultaneously relieved, excited and terrified. It is amazing how in one moment you can see the possibility and then in the next be plagued by the voice of doubt. So far the voice that says, “I am more than this. I can contribute more than this.” is winning. And perhaps with this new journey comes the return of my muse.