My Someday Keeper
There must be a space in my psyche called the “someday keeper” that keeps all those thoughts about someday this, someday that. As my father’s health fails and his passing looms increasingly real, I imagine those tucked away somedays will come loose with a cascade of grief that will take me somewhat by surprise. I mean, I can rationalize it but the feelings can’t be fully anticipated. There’s a lifetime of wishing for warmth, acceptance, relationship… that when the end comes with it will go the hidden hopes. Those that I stopped actively, consciously wanting. But I know they are there and they have sometimes leaked out when I have let myself attempt a connection. It isn’t just my loss, but my father’s loss. I feel sorrow for us both for what we could have been to each other. But with some wisdom and much work towards acceptance, I have learned to put aside the expectations of a child, of a young woman, of a mature woman… for the moments that could have been. With that grace, I found the treasures that were there and the moments that could be shared. Yet I feel, that when the end comes, I will discover that the old hopes still linger in their special hiding place, keeping a silent vigil for those somedays that won’t be coming.
I wish it could have been different.
I don’t, Mom. Life is so full of possibilities and we can’t have it all. I don’t want to be trapped in thoughts about what I don’t have, which is so easy to do especially when our culture reinforces that kind of thinking.
I want to have the courage to look my pain and my limitations in the eye, the clear vision to see the beauty before me, and the open heart to experience the love around me.
I had tears in my eyes after reading your blog. I went back and read all your blogs since you began posting. It’s obvious that your relationship with your dad has been difficult over the years.
Yes, relationships with my father are difficult. I think you have experienced him at his best – sharing his knowledge and his stories. I’m proud to be my father’s daughter – as well as my mother’s. They are both amazing people who have lived interesting lives.
Pam, I agree 100%. Your dad is at his best sharing knowledge–his college professor background comes to the forefront. I’m very grateful for his help.
Your dad gave me a copy of his resume when we visited in 2003 and it was the most amazing one I ever read! Your parents have traveled all over the world and adapted to challenging conditions over the years.
And I’d say they’ve raised a pretty amazing and resilent daughter.
What an amazing post! I think we all go through this, one degree or another. I had to give up any hopes of a relationship with my family of origin (any of them) because to do otherwise would keep me stuck. I’m not big on regrets. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time.
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